Friday, December 9, 2016

How I Stood Up To My Predator When I Was Eight Years Old!

Now that the United States may have a bully-predator in chief, it’s time to share my story. It comes with a Trigger Warning if you’ve been sexually abused in any way you may want to move on. This was very hard to share although I’ve wanted to for a couple years. Now is the time. So young girls—and boys know one way to stand up to their coward abusers! 

As a child, my parents had violent fights. I was eight years old and so very happy when they divorced. When that happened my mother gathered my brother and me under her protective arms and gave us “the talk”. She told us about sex and about predators, but she was one year too late.
My parents were quite young at the time and naturally, they’d go out and leave us with various babysitters. One particular family in the neighborhood had a teenage daughter who’d sit on occasion, but when she couldn’t her brother, who was 18, would come to our house. 
(My mother later told me she had doubts about an older, male sitter, but she didn’t follow through with those doubts, and apparently, my father’s need to go out drinking was paramount.)
They never noticed the gifts from the male babysitter. Never knew he would creep into my bedroom after my parents left for a night out, again and again.
At first, there were the simple requests of show and tell. And with each subsequent visit, the predator-babysitter would shower me with gifts  to keep my mouth shut and not tell anyone about our little secret.
I hated it. I hated the way I felt. I was eight-years-old and being blackmailed to keep my mouth shut and keep up the abuse.
I cowered when he opened my bedroom door. I'd pretend to be asleep. But he’d only wake me. I was subjected to viewing him naked and to his requests for me to touch him. I wouldn’t tell my parents even when he gave me the brand new Captain and Tennille record. This went on and on. How long I’m unsure? My parents were separating during those years. 
I was lost and alone, believing no one would understand. I was EIGHT YEARS OLD. And I felt guilty. 
The guilt created the worst rift in my being, an end of innocence, guilt imprinted into my brain and in my heart.
Sitting with my mom on her bed, the day after she finally left my father, I wanted to tell her about moving day, when my predator/babysitter followed us. When he pretended to help around the house, busy cleaning and sweeping up for my recently single (immigrant) mother. 
It was a bright summer’s day. I stood alone with him on the front porch after everyone had left. I’m sure he felt confident with my mom now alone and my father living on the other side of town.
When he finished sweeping the porch he leaned into the broom and casually said, “Kiss me.”
I stared at him towering over me and said, “I told my mother everything, and she knows about you and what you did to me.” It was a lie. But I’d confronted him. 
I don’t recall if he said much after that. I do remember his face. Stunned. Silent. He placed the broom against the wall and walked away without another word.
 I never saw him again. None of us ever saw him again. I’m very proud of my eight-year-old self. The bravest thing I ever did.
Soon after that, my mother moved us to Florida.
Years later, I wound up in a college not far from the town where I was sexually abused. I looked up the babysitter’s name. A college friend of mine called the number listed in the directory. When the predator picked up, my friend told him we knew what he did to children. Of course, he hung up. But he was there–and he KNEW I would never forget. 
By the time I told my mother I was thirteen years old and had already shared the story with most of my close friends.
Each time I spoke about the pain and the guilt, the SHAME released me. I began healing. It took much longer for my relationships with the opposite sex to heal. But I found the perfect partner and we’ve been together over 20 years.
I bow to my eight-year-old self for standing up to my predator. They are all COWARDS. Speak Out. 
And please, tell someone, you can always email me if you'd like.
Had my mother spoken to me sooner, would things have been different? Hard to say, but it’s probably never too soon to speak with our children about the birds and the bees. In an age appropriate manner.


Tuesday, December 6, 2016

We who believe in LOVE, PEACE, AND EQUALITY ... have been hurt and shocked to our Foundations!

I wanted to share something a little different with you today. Many of us have been writing, calling, and speaking out, sharing stories, and advocating in solidarity for truth and justice. Coalitions are building and people are finding their power once again.  So long as we can keep the fake NEWS out of our lives we can get things done.

A dear, dear, friend and Jazz Vocalist, Audra Blu sent this to me and asked if I could share. I’ve been suffering terrible anxiety since the election and her note helped me. 

It’s from the side of illumination, not fear…

There is a crack, a crack in everything ...
That's how the light gets in. ~Leonard Cohen

You and I and the rest of the anti -Trumpers must slow down and take it easy Now. It's time to do a 180 on this! It's time to get back to our TRUE SELVES AND HEAL!

We who believe in LOVE, PEACE AND EQUALITY  ...
have been hurt and shocked to our Foundations! 

We held on for dear life believing that the bad stuff that Trump was talking about would have an adverse effect on the country. And for the most part, it has, however, we forgot who WE truly are and let it go straight into our hearts. There was not enough objectivity and we became sick from the poison of that which we hated. We got a DTRUMP INFECTION - WE GOT THE DTRUMP COOTIES!

WE need some Spiritual healing and rest from being fed pure hate and poison for months on end.  Now is the time to get back to our centers, and get our hearts and minds strong again. We lost our hope and joy.

Remember the story of Jesus in the Garden of Gethsemane when he asked, "My Father, if it is possible, let this cup pass me by."

I'm not a so-called Christian, (Me, either) but I love this radical and revolutionary socialist (Me, too), Jesus and this style! He was asking the same thing we were when DTRUMP won! Jesus finally had to say okay and accept what was happening. And, according to the story, Jesus rose from the dead and we will too!!!

When opposition has its roots in issues of principal, we need to hold to our integrity and individuality. We, Lovers of Justice and Truth, got a little too close and danced with the darkness. We started believing more in the dark than the LIGHT ... without even knowing it!!! The Universe knows this and is saying, "keep your eye on the prize and watch for the Light in the dark"!

We were putting our faith into a person instead of the spiritual reality of Yin and Yang. Instead of knowing that everything balances out completely and "This too shall pass!"

When it does, we must be ready and strong but most of all, strengthen our HEARTS to know when and what to do and say when the tides begin to change!

We must avoid becoming involved with vulgar or base people who do not share our values.

Everything that could have gone wrong has. It seems at times that the Universe is conspiring against us, but when opposition to progress is at its peak, it has nowhere to go but down. That's when THE LIGHT often emerges. With the right attitude and persistence, Good Fortune returns in the end.

Estrangement can arise from a failure to clearly see the world. This kind of thinking leads to isolation. All that is necessary to reverse this kind of cycle is to observe the world more closely, without prejudice and to be honest about possible errors in our attitudes.

This is about a true Revolution!

Fire evaporates water, and water puts out fire. So Change often; causes conflict; conflicts bring about change. This is a Time in the cycle of human affairs when things are stirring up, and with a hint of dramatic changes in the air.

In order to succeed, revolutions must be in alignment with certain laws of nature and good timing. They must begin at the right moment, gather support from a broad base of people, be guided my sincere and capable leaders and most of all must address real needs.

The strength of the forces of change will always be in proportion to the urgency of the need being a champion. This is true in government, economics, art, education, and in our personal lives.

Revolutionary change points to a period when chaos arises from order. Let's remember that not all order is good, and not all chaos is bad. Chaos is often an integral part of the way things evolve- - - as any parent and modern scientist will confirm. This is a reminder to have the courage to radically change and renew the way we bring ourselves to life. In this way, we can Channel chaos to cross and unleash a new power on behalf of the good.

Combat between forces of dark and light are cyclical; WE can become aware of these Cycles and master them by preparing in advance. In periods of drought, even with storms, a new season awaits.

Thank you, Audra