The Domestic Violence and Substance Abuse Link: How to Break It.

 Recovery Pride sent this post to share on my blog. I hope it proves useful. 

A dangerous duo that can create long-term issues, passed down from parents to children are domestic violence and substance abuse.  Domestic violence is not directly caused by substance abuse, but it has played a big role as a common factor among abusers.  Their victims have also shown a higher frequency to turn to substance abuse to distance themselves from pain or memories during the abusive relationship or in the aftermath.  The prevalence of children later abusing drugs or alcohol also rises after being exposed to domestic violence. 

 The Cost of Domestic Violence

Domestic violence within a home threatens the physical safety and mental stability of everyone inside.  When the abuser uses drugs or alcohol as a way to excuse themselves or manipulate weaker members of the family, the cycle of abuse grows.

Most spouses or partners stay with their abusers due to feelings of helplessness, fear, or the threat of violence to themselves or others.  A coping mechanism they may choose might be drugs or alcohol to dull the pain.   Drug or alcohol dependency may make it more difficult for the victim to leave the abusive relationship and seek help.

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Domestic violence is something that usually increases in frequency and severity over time, in the same way substance abuse would.  Growing up in an abusive household can put children at a greater risk of trauma, the possibility of turning to substance abuse, and getting involved in their own abusive relationship later in life. 

What To Do

Treatment for a domestic violence situation is tricky.  The abuser and victims are not likely to come up with useful solutions for themselves, especially when substance abuse is involved, so help and support will need to come from outside their household.  The abused partner and children should be taken somewhere safe to get away from the domestic violence abuser.  Treatment staff need to care for any substance abuse problems that the victims may be suffering from along with domestic violence abuse injuries and trauma.  Support and validation is imperative to empower them to take charge of their recovery.

Treatment for the domestic violence abuser could be more difficult to manage.  Batterers often use alcohol or drugs as an excuse for violent behavior or to dull the guilt they might feel from it. So just getting treatment for substance abuse will not end anger and violence.  Many blame their behavior on being drunk or under the influence to avoid taking responsibility for their own actions. Taking responsibility for those actions is the only path to rehabilitation for the domestic violence abuser.

Extended domestic violence care and support is in more short supply than substance abuse support groups.   Unfortunately, there is not much collaboration between the differing care groups for better treatment options that could rehabilitate substance abusing domestic violence batterers. 

The best option is to seek specialist support  to address long term issues and habits that need to be evaluated.  Past victimization, anger, and violent behavior need to be treated side by side with substance abuse issues during the recovery process. The cycle of domestic violence and substance abuse can be broken if all facets of the problem are addressed.

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Wishing You Peace and Joy this Holiday Season.

With so much uncertainty ahead, our families are paramount to our happiness.
May you find joy and peace, and purpose for helping others in the human family and also in our animal kingdom. I'll spend time this holiday with my children, now teens, my husband, his family, my dog, and bad kitty, and forget the world at large for a day or two.

After the New Year those who stand for truth and justice, to protect our most vulnerable under the fascist regime taking hold of the USA, will return with renewed intensity to remove those in power destroying OUR democracy.  It doesn't belong to them!  




On another note, my Novella, THE UNMOVING SKY now has an Audio Book!  Yay.

Amazon Review

"A truly GRIPPING read!"


I had fun previewing an advance reader copy of K.L. Hallam’s suspenseful debut novella, THE UNMOVING SKY. It kept me on the edge of my seat throughout. From the start, the set-up is ripe for action: brothers Jackson and Artie run off into the woods to escape their drunken dangerous father, but they get lost and take refuge in a cave to wait out a storm. I won’t recount much more to avoid spoilers, but someone else is hiding out there, too, and the tension ratchets up even further. I liked how Hallam keeps increasing the stakes and maintaining a brisk pace to create a page-turner. She also explores several serious themes, from alcoholism and domestic abuse to teen pregnancy and terrorism, in the course of this fast-paced adventure.


website: klhallam.com

MG Book Review: Almost Paradise by Author Corabel Shofner

Almost Paradise by Corabel Shofner
My rating: 5 of 5 stars


I received an ARC for an honest review. A repost from my review on Kidliterati 

“I believe places can heal. I believe science can heal. I believe God can heal. And I believe my hands can heal. It is best to use all of the above to get maximum results.”

Twelve-year-old, Ruby Clyde has a strong voice. She has a strong heart. She’s had to be the parent in the relationship with her mother. Her mother, like a child who needs caring for, and her stinky boyfriend Catfish winds up getting them all in deep trouble with the law.

One morning, Ruby wakes up to find she and her mother are being carted across the country, and her mother’s boyfriend, Catfish, whom she can’t stand, is in control. When he finds out her mother has a twin sister, who’s a nun, he wants to head over there and stay a while. But Ruby’s mother won’t have it. The sisters have been estranged for decades. Taking matters into his own hands, Catfish’s criminal mischief shocks Ruby and her mother to their cores and chaos ensues.

In the scramble, Ruby stays hidden from the mayhem and finds herself alone. The pig they rescued from the IQ Zoo used its leash (nylon pantyhose) to drag her to safety. With nowhere to turn, Ruby decides to go undercover and find her mother’s twin sister. After finding her, Ruby learns that her mother’s been arrested and must go on trial.

I found much to relate to in ALMOST PARADISE. Such a good story about what it’s like to feel abandoned and unloved. But Ruby is tough and she loves her mother, no matter what. We learn much about sacrifice from some of the secondary characters, like Ruby’s aunt Eleanor, the nun and the attorney Joe Brewer. Sprinkled throughout, are tidbits about the legal system and family court. Many references to faith and God, and I suppose with a nun as a major character that’s to be expected.
There are delightful twists, and endearing characters, making this feel true and timely in these important times when children need solace and comfort from life’s hard knocks. And that ending had me in tears!

“People heal each other, and it takes time.”




View all my reviews

How I Stood Up To A Predator When I Was Eight Years Old!

Now that the United States may have a bully-predator in chief, it’s time to share my story. It comes with a Trigger Warning if you’ve been sexually abused in any way you may want to move on. This was very hard to share although I’ve wanted to for a couple years. Now is the time. So young girls—and boys know one way to stand up to their coward abusers! 

As a child, my parents had violent fights. I was eight years old and so very happy when they divorced. When that happened my mother gathered my brother and me under her protective arms and gave us “the talk”. She told us about sex and about predators, but she was one year too late.

My parents were quite young at the time and naturally, they’d go out and leave us with various babysitters. One particular family in the neighborhood had a teenage daughter who’d sit on occasion, but when she couldn’t her brother, who was 18, would come to our house. 

(My mother later told me she had doubts about an older, male sitter, but she didn’t follow through with those doubts, and apparently, my father’s need to go out drinking was paramount.)

They never noticed the gifts from the male babysitter. Never knew he would creep into my bedroom after my parents left for a night out, again and again.

At first, there were the simple requests of show and tell. And with each subsequent visit, the predator-babysitter would shower me with gifts  to keep my mouth shut and not tell anyone about our little secret.

I hated it. I hated the way I felt. I was eight-years-old and being blackmailed to keep my mouth shut and keep up the abuse.

I cowered when he opened my bedroom door. I'd pretend to be asleep. But he’d only wake me. I was subjected to viewing him naked and to his requests for me to touch him. I wouldn’t tell my parents even when he gave me the brand new Captain and Tennille record. This went on and on. How long I’m unsure? My parents were separating during those years. 

I was lost and alone, believing no one would understand. I was EIGHT YEARS OLD. And I felt guilty. 

The guilt created the worst rift in my being, an end of innocence, guilt imprinted into my brain and in my heart.

Sitting with my mom on her bed, the day after she finally left my father, I wanted to tell her about moving day, when my predator/babysitter followed us. When he pretended to help around the house, busy cleaning and sweeping up for my recently single (immigrant) mother. 

It was a bright summer’s day. I stood alone with him on the front porch after everyone had left. I’m sure he felt confident with my mom now alone and my father living on the other side of town.

When he finished sweeping the porch he leaned into the broom and casually said, “Kiss me.”

I stared at him towering over me and said, “I told my mother everything, and she knows about you and what you did to me.” It was a lie. But I’d confronted him. 

I don’t recall if he said much after that. I do remember his face. Stunned. Silent. He placed the broom against the wall and walked away without another word.

 I never saw him again. None of us ever saw him again. I’m very proud of my eight-year-old self. The bravest thing I ever did.

Soon after that, my mother moved us to Florida.

Years later, I wound up in a college not far from the town where I was sexually abused. I looked up the babysitter’s name. A college friend of mine called the number listed in the directory. When the predator picked up, my friend told him we knew what he did to children. Of course, he hung up. But he was there–and he KNEW I would never forget. 

By the time I told my mother I was thirteen years old and had already shared the story with most of my close friends.

Each time I spoke about the pain and the guilt, the SHAME released me. I began healing. It took much longer for my relationships with the opposite sex to heal. But I found the perfect partner and we’ve been together over 20 years.

I bow to my eight-year-old self for standing up to my predator. They are all COWARDS. Speak Out. 

And please, tell someone, you can always email me if you'd like.

Had my mother spoken to me sooner, would things have been different? Hard to say, but it’s probably never too soon to speak with our children about the birds and the bees. In an age appropriate manner.

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We who believe in LOVE, PEACE, AND EQUALITY ... have been hurt and shocked to our Foundations!

I wanted to share something a little different with you today. Many of us have been writing, calling, and speaking out, sharing stories, and advocating in solidarity for truth and justice. Coalitions are building and people are finding their power once again.  So long as we can keep the fake NEWS out of our lives we can get things done.

A dear, dear, friend and Jazz Vocalist, Audra Blu sent this to me and asked if I could share. I’ve been suffering terrible anxiety since the election and her note helped me. 

It’s from the side of illumination, not fear…

 

There is a crack, a crack in everything ...
That's how the light gets in. ~Leonard Cohen

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You and I and the rest of the anti -Trumpers must slow down and take it easy Now. It's time to do a 180 on this! It's time to get back to our TRUE SELVES AND HEAL!

We who believe in LOVE, PEACE AND EQUALITY  ...
have been hurt and shocked to our Foundations! 

We held on for dear life believing that the bad stuff that Trump was talking about would have an adverse effect on the country. And for the most part, it has, however, we forgot who WE truly are and let it go straight into our hearts. There was not enough objectivity and we became sick from the poison of that which we hated. We got a DTRUMP INFECTION - WE GOT THE DTRUMP COOTIES!

WE need some Spiritual healing and rest from being fed pure hate and poison for months on end.  Now is the time to get back to our centers, and get our hearts and minds strong again. We lost our hope and joy.

Remember the story of Jesus in the Garden of Gethsemane when he asked, "My Father, if it is possible, let this cup pass me by."

I'm not a so-called Christian, (Me, either) but I love this radical and revolutionary socialist (Me, too), Jesus and this style! He was asking the same thing we were when DTRUMP won! Jesus finally had to say okay and accept what was happening. And, according to the story, Jesus rose from the dead and we will too!!!

When opposition has its roots in issues of principal, we need to hold to our integrity and individuality. We, Lovers of Justice and Truth, got a little too close and danced with the darkness. We started believing more in the dark than the LIGHT ... without even knowing it!!! The Universe knows this and is saying, "keep your eye on the prize and watch for the Light in the dark"!

We were putting our faith into a person instead of the spiritual reality of Yin and Yang. Instead of knowing that everything balances out completely and "This too shall pass!"

When it does, we must be ready and strong but most of all, strengthen our HEARTS to know when and what to do and say when the tides begin to change!

We must avoid becoming involved with vulgar or base people who do not share our values.

Everything that could have gone wrong has. It seems at times that the Universe is conspiring against us, but when opposition to progress is at its peak, it has nowhere to go but down. That's when THE LIGHT often emerges. With the right attitude and persistence, Good Fortune returns in the end.

Estrangement can arise from a failure to clearly see the world. This kind of thinking leads to isolation. All that is necessary to reverse this kind of cycle is to observe the world more closely, without prejudice and to be honest about possible errors in our attitudes.

This is about a true Revolution!

Fire evaporates water, and water puts out fire. So Change often; causes conflict; conflicts bring about change. This is a Time in the cycle of human affairs when things are stirring up, and with a hint of dramatic changes in the air.

In order to succeed, revolutions must be in alignment with certain laws of nature and good timing. They must begin at the right moment, gather support from a broad base of people, be guided my sincere and capable leaders and most of all must address real needs.

The strength of the forces of change will always be in proportion to the urgency of the need being a champion. This is true in government, economics, art, education, and in our personal lives.

Revolutionary change points to a period when chaos arises from order. Let's remember that not all order is good, and not all chaos is bad. Chaos is often an integral part of the way things evolve- - - as any parent and modern scientist will confirm. This is a reminder to have the courage to radically change and renew the way we bring ourselves to life. In this way, we can Channel chaos to cross and unleash a new power on behalf of the good.

Combat between forces of dark and light are cyclical; WE can become aware of these Cycles and master them by preparing in advance. In periods of drought, even with storms, a new season awaits.

Thank you, Audra