Friday, October 21, 2011

Query for Critique--(It's always bothered me - I didn't mention Mrs. Egremony in query-this one does. She's the landlady)

Abegale’s best friend has a peculiar new landlady. She dresses like she from the pioneering days, and she asks a lot of questions. When she mentions casually to Abegale that her missing grandmother “is near, but far,” It is now Abegale who wants learn more.

In Abegale’s mission to help an old lady with some favors, she comes across the green medicine book and magic cards her grandmother left behind three years ago. Within its pages, she learns of a plant her grandmother went searching for that could heal her brother’s now severe asthma. She also learns more about who or what her grandmother really was. Abegale sets out to track down the plant and get answers her grandmother’s disappearance.

Meanwhile, some of the animals in Three Points are acting strange and seem to be calling her into the woods, a crow that follows her every move, deer pretending to be dead, and there are the dreams, all pointing Abegale back to face Nam’s abandoned cottage. But it isn’t vacant anymore. Abegale is angered by the transformation of Nam’s home into a foie gras processing plant. With the help of friends and the community they bring the lake town of Three Points together and find a way to remove the occupants before things get worse.

ABEGALE FORCE is a contemporary upper middle-grade mystery with supernatural elements, complete at 80,000 words. In writing this manuscript, I drew on my studies in herbalism, nutrition, and The Tarot, as well as my work as an artist and my experience as a parent of middle-graders.

I thank you in advance for your time and consideration.

4 comments:

Kelley said...

Hi Karen!

If you're at all interested, I looked over the query and made some changes.

Abegale’s best friend has a peculiar new landlady. She dresses like she's from the pioneer days and asks a lot of questions. When she mentions that Abegale's missing grandmother “is near, but far,” it is Abegale who wants to ask the questions.

In Abegale’s quest for answers, she comes across her grandmother's green medicine book and magic cards. Within its pages, she learns of a plant that has the power to heal her brother’s severe asthma. She also learns who her grandmother really was. Abegale sets out to find the plant and get answers her grandmother’s disappearance.

Meanwhile, some of the animals in Three Points are acting strange. A crow that follows her every move, deer pretending to be dead, and weird dreams that compel Abegale to face Nam’s abandoned cottage. But it isn’t vacant anymore. Abegale is angered by the transformation of Nam’s home into a foie gras processing plant. With the help of friends and the community they bring the lake town of Three Points together and find a way to remove the occupants before things get worse.

ABEGALE FORCE is a contemporary upper middle-grade mystery with supernatural elements, complete at 80,000 words. In writing this manuscript, I drew on my studies in herbalism, nutrition, and The Tarot, as well as my work as an artist and my experience as a parent of middle-graders.

I thank you in advance for your time and consideration.

The questions I have are:

Who is Nam? Her grandmother? You don't mention it in the beginning so it's a little confusing.

What is this: foie gras processing plant?

'before things get worse' needs more explanation or it falls flat. What gets worse? How is it bad already? Give us a little more here.

Also 80,000 words is very long for Mid grade. Agents are going to be afraid by this. Just FYI

Love the story line and your credentials! Good luck!

Karen lee Hallam said...

You are absolutely right...I completely left the torturing geese and ducks to produce foie gras part out. Thanks. And Nam, suppose I just cell her grandmother throughout and Yes, before things get worse, and wreak havoc on the environment. (also left out in my simplification) So grateful for your help.

Cassie Mae said...

Hi Karen! Thank you for the follow! I've given you an award over on my blog. :)

http://readingwritingandlovinit.blogspot.com/2011/10/i-have-no-interesting-title-for-this.html

Karen lee Hallam said...

I've decided to end the query at, "But it isn't vacant anymore." That's the turning point. Thx KvD.